At a press conference earlier today, Thales Rear Admiral (Innovation and Heat-Death) Lance Cornetto announced a program set to redefine Australia’s conventional military forces and society as a whole.
“We’ve already weaponised competence through our state-of-the-art officer training facilities at Duntroon, so logic dictates the next frontier will be the weaponisation of incompetence.”
This initiative will equip ordinary Australian males with avant-garde technology that enables them to act as if everyday tasks, particularly domestic duties, fall outside of their capacity.
Rear Admiral Cornetto informed the press gaggle that a trial program was already underway, following the arduous recruitment of the nation’s most performatively inept sons, boyfriends, brothers, and housemates.
“They’re currently hard at work taking out the bins, but protesting if asked to do anything more. Which is perfectly fair because they wouldn’t know the first thing about roasting a chicken or mopping the floor or opening the door for the mailman, and anyways, their mother/girlfriend/sister/housemate is soooooooo good at it.”
While this trial deals mainly with civilian matters, there are big plans to deploy this technology into active combat zones.
“The possibilities are limitless. Our brave soldiers could infiltrate enemy combat groups and then act as if they have no idea how to reload their firearm or operate a tank. That will really cripple their operational capacity.”
There are also plans to licence the program out to private organisations, including student newspapers.
“There are a whole bunch of plucky student newspaper editors out there who don’t want to layup spreads, and that’s okay. And even if they are perfectly proficient in InDesign, they should be allowed to pretend as if they’ve never heard of it.”
