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Births, Deaths & Marriages – Semester 2, Week 4

Tickets are $20 concession, $15 for ACCESS

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JOKE TICKETS: PATTY AND SELMA VOTE HOTLY CONTESTED

With nominations for September’s SRC elections closing on August 17, and factional power plays being orchestrated in the backstreets of JFR as we speak, let’s look at some of the more interesting contenders for office.

Honi can confirm “Twins for Tickets”, the ticket formed by law students William and Patrick Ryan for the 2014 SRC election, will be returning to the ballot paper, rebranded as “Twins for Tickets: (It) Takes Two”. Their policies are still being formed, but include ensuring the prosperity of twins in light of increasing university deregulation and continuing to interrogate the motives of triplets.

William and Patrick are former residents of St Paul’s College and St John’s College, respectively. When asked whether they were pulling from a college base, William said, “We are running purely on the support of twins, not colleges, and are unaware of any other tickets pulling from the twin base.” The Ryans are factionally unaligned.

Other rumoured tickets included a Harambe for SRC ticket to be headed by ultra-hack Cameron Caccamo (Independent). Much to everyone’s dismay, when asked about the allegations Caccamo’s response was “oh my god where did this rumour come from, amazing”, as he will not be on that ticket, or any ticket.

However, all is not lost. The other half of last year’s Camerons for SRC ticket, Cameron Hawkins (Independent), is organising a Simpsons for SRC ticket, which he is running with Nino Popovich. “I hope stupol is ready for an inordinate amount of Simpsons memes,” he said.

SLIGHTLY LESS OF A JOKE TICKETS: THE UNITY/NLS/MOD LIBS CAMP

There have been allegations SRC President Chloe Smith – who previously told us NLS were not dealing with the Liberals (see honisoit.com for more juicy details on what this year’s definition of “we fight Tories” means) – was actually an active participant in this controversial coalition’s negotiations, with sources within the moderate Libs telling us they dealt directly with Smith. However, the SRC President refused to confirm this was the case.

Allegedly, the deal struck could score the moderate Liberals the full position of vice president and a general executive position, provided they elect six out of the nine tickets. This would give the moderate Liberals two votes on the SRC executive and considerable control over the SRC’s budget.

There was also some juicy drama at the NLS president pre-selection. Although Isabella Brook will contest the election, Honi can reveal an insurgent – Jenna Schroder – managed to secure enough votes to successfully challenge Brooks’ candidacy, in a nail biting 8-7 final count. Schroder, however, then chose to resign. An anonymous source alleged Schroder resigned as the nature of the deal with Unity made it possible for them to withdraw their support of NLS unless Isabella was the NLS presidential candidate.

For those less-seasoned hacks, this means NLS effectively confirmed their candidate in negotiations, before Isabella had even been validly pre-selected by her caucus. And who said factional powerbrokers didn’t rule the Labor party.

Unfortunately for this editor, in the process of contacting Schroder to find out why, a Facebook page was messaged, with the same profile picture and Facebook name as the Schroder in question. Even more unfortunately, this page is controlled by Unity member Christian Jones, and was created as a “joke” some years earlier. Schroder’s comment request was therefore leaked to the whole of Student Unity. Once contacted, the Real Jenna Schroder confirmed she had contested the president pre-selection and subsequently resigned.

“I have resigned from the position of NLS presidential candidate to ensure the continuation of a strong relationship with Unity and therefore the best chance of success for NLS ticket holders,” Schroder said. “I am glad that the person I am resigning to is such a progressive, intelligent woman and I look forward to helping her succeed.”

Both factional head-kickers Michael Elliot (Unity) and Chloe Smith (NLS) were unwilling and unable to confirm, well, anything really. Elliot did confirm that NLS and Unity will be running under their traditional Stand Up branding, meaning the moderate Liberals will run under their own branding.

SLIGHTLY LESS OF A JOKE TICKETS: THE GROOTS/SLS/SALT CAMP

Grassroots, SLS and Socialist Alternative will be running on at least three brands; a new brand name in traditional Grassroots green, “Left Action” (which Socialist Alternative have run on for the last three years), and an intercampus brand. The decision not to run on Grassroots branding was made so that SLS and Grassroots can run under the same brand. “Fresh is best. Unite and fight the Tories,” said Liam Carrigan (Grassroots).

Matt Campbell (SLS) confirmed that Grassroots and SLS will be running under the brand “Unity”, sorry, “Unite”. SLS will be running eight tickets and according to Campbell they will be differentiated from the Stand Up campaign because they’ll be fighting for a “truly progressive and left wing SRC”.

Under their deal, Grassroots has secured president, half of general secretary and two general executive positions. Allegedly, Socialist Alternative has been assured half of education officer. SLS didn’t confirm their end of the deal, but the confirmed positions suggest they would be given half education officer, vice president and half general secretary.

Grassroots president candidate, Georgia Mantle, also confirmed that the moderate Liberals approached her for a deal before they signed with Unity. At this point, Unity had allegedly offered the moderate Liberals half of education officer. The moderate Liberals pitched to Grassroots on the basis of “destroying NUS”. “We obviously rejected this offer,” said Mantle.

Mantle’s policies are still in formulation but she is “dedicated to creating an activist SRC and ensuring that activist campaigns are well funded and supported”.

“This election’s going to be pandemonium. Everything’s properly contested. We already hate each other so much,” an anonymous source within the coalition said. We feel you, anon.

AND WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT WE ARE ELECTING THESE CLOWNS FOR

Wondering why Honi hasn’t liveblogged an SRC meeting in a while? That’s because there hasn’t been one. The past two meetings of the 88th Council have been cancelled due to high numbers of apologies from councillors, rendering them inquorate. The apologies for Council’s July meeting overwhelmingly came from Labor faction members, who were likely tired after spending the day at the NUS’ Education Conference (the poor dears), while the number of apologies registered for the August meeting a fortnight ago appeared to just be because it was raining. A special meeting has been called for this Wednesday (August 17), which will surely also be inquorate as hacks celebrate getting their SRC nomination forms in on time.

THERE’S REVUE BEEF. AND IT’S TENDER

The Faculty Revue Season is heating up, and the Big Comedians on Campus (BCOCs) are putting their wits to the test and trolling the shit out of rival revue Facebook events.

Leaked screenshots of a conversation between Art’s Revue’s Aidan Molins and Science Revue’s Declan Maher reveal the neediness for event traction from both sides. Shit then escalated when Arts Revue’s Aaron Chen posted a photo of Arts Revue co-director, Angus Rees with the caption: “hey you guys study sleep science? cos i can already sense a couple of yawns” to the Science Revue event page, racking up 70 likes.

Honi approached Chen about this alleged “bullying” to which he replied, “everything happens for a reason. no further comment”. He further commented, “make comedy great again” when asked if the beef was merely a marketing tactic.

From team Science Revue, co-director, Declan Maher, screamed through his headlock to tell Honi, “Arts Revue if you’re reading this please leave us alone. I have no more lunch money to give you”.

ARCHITECTURE REVUE STRUCTURALLY UNSOUND

There will be no Architecture Revue in the year 2016. Why has this beloved revue crumbled to the ground like the Roman ruins? Architecture student and revue enthusiast, David Barko, told Honi: “It was a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions – blood, wine, guts, you name it.” Turns out that was a joke (Architects, amirite?) and the revue demolition was instigated by “plain boring stuff“. Barko explained, “We had a great start, 10 new people came to the first meeting, but retention was an issue. Then personal issues came up among for some exec members and then it all fizzled.” There are murmurs that the remaining cast members are hoping to merge the show with the Engineering Revue, but nothing is set in stone.

ALMS FOR ELITE ATHLETES

What does a multi-million dollar private company do when its earnings are down? Anything, you would think, but appeal to the better nature of students and alumni in a crowdfunding campaign. And yet, as was announced last week, Sydney University is soliciting alms for campus’ most needy, students who are in the Elite Athlete Program.

Keen followers of campus affairs will recall Sydney Uni Sport and Fitness, the separate entity that runs the program (as well as the University’s gyms, swimming pool and rock climbing wall), received the largest chunk of the Student Services and Amenities Fee this year from the University, $2.5 million more than the SRC. With the money likely to go towards personal academic advisors and physical trainers, expensive facilities and a lifetime supply of Gatorade, suffice it to say there are far better uses for student money than bankrolling a few dozen Olympic hopefuls in the name of University marketing.

The strangest thing is the way the whole thing appears to mimic a World Vision child sponsorship advertisement. “$75 could help a student purchase a textbook,” it reads. “$500 could help a student purchase essential sporting gear.” If you didn’t know elite athlete students were the most pampered at this university (followed closely by our Ralph Lauren toting friends at the colleges), you’d think you were donating to Smith Family Christmas appeal. Sponsor an elite athlete today!

INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS WIN

In a pleasantly surprising turn of events, the University seems to have paid out to at least 30 Chinese international students scholarship money it has owed for several years after an Honi article called them out. Within days of the Week 3 edition hit- ting stands, the affected students – all enrolled in engineering courses in a partnership program with Harbin Institute of Technology – noticed a big bump in funds in their accounts without a peep from the University. Kudos, Spence.