Hawking: “I Fucked the Beginning of Space-Time”

A media team from the Cambridge University Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics has today revealed that Stephen Hawking, renowned theoretical physicist and best-selling author, fucked the beginning of space-time.

Professor Hawking, in a statement released this morning, confessed that years of experimentation and inquiry had resulted in “a strange intimacy with the beginning of the fabric of the universe as we know it.”

“I glimpsed the beginning of the universe. It was staggeringly beautiful. To see those first, truly fleeting, truly momentous moments in the history of everything was profoundly affecting. Then I fucked it.”

Staff from Professor Hawking’s experimental laboratory confirmed the truth of the claim, shaking their heads and stating “we’re heaps jealous.”

At press time, In the face of growing public disbelief, Hawking passionately asked reporters, “Can you honestly say that, knowing what I know, having seen what I have seen, you wouldn’t have done the same?”