Comedy //

New York! New York! New York!

Desiree Cartwheel, The Garter’s D.I.Y. Expert, is trapped in a permanent state of just having returned from a trip to New York.

Dear Desiree,

I recently planted a lot of citrus in my backyard. I wanted to be able to cultivate a wholesome and healthy harvest every season, and save a few dollars at the supermarket.

I have planted a lime tree, a lemon tree, and a tangerine tree in a portion of the yard that gets good sunlight and rainfall. All are doing well except for the lemon tree, which has developed a kind of white scale! I have tried white oil already, but it has not worked!

Please,  Desiree, what should I do?

Nervous and Upset

Dear Nervous and Upset,

Growing citrus is hard. I was shopping in Midtown when I realised that the shop I was in was going to close soon! So, I took the N line from Fifth Avenue down to Prince Street at SoHo—the shops there close much later, you see—and wandered into the SoHo branch of the shop. Now this branch was bigger, but it did not carry the style that the Midtown store had!

So I had to get the 6 train down to Canal Street, and walk one block over so I could get the R line over to Brooklyn. By the time I’d wandered through most of Boerum Hill to get to the Brooklyn branch, that store had closed as well! I figured that Uptown might be my last shot, so I caught the 3 train up to Chambers St, and then changed to the C train which took me to 81st. Once I got to 81st I walked a couple of blocks over to The Red Line, and caught a 1 train from 79th up to 103rd. But, would you believe it, by then even that branch had closed.

I realised then that my journey was in vain, so I made my way home, getting the 1 back to 96th, then a 2 to 110th. From there, I just had to wander back to 110th on the green line, and get a 6 down to East 59th, and then a Q to 5th Avenue.

I hope that helps!

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