Comedy //

Report: Everyone thinking of you whenever you worry they might be

You probably think this is about you

Top neurologists at Cambridge today confirmed that the pineal gland actually allows human beings to sense when other human beings are thinking of them, with a frequency of roughly every single time you think they are.

In a random trial, the brain activity of one hundred associated individuals was monitored, revealing that each individual developed feelings of anxiety and apprehension in accordance with when they were being judged by basically everyone else in the room. “We can see on these charts here that Subject-17, Frank, developed an acute feeling of concern about anyone noticing the pimple on his nose which, of course, was brought about by everyone else in the room simultaneously thinking ‘What’s up with crater-face?’ ”

Evolutionary biologist Esmarine Evergreen told The Garter that the capacity to sense that everyone is thinking about you when you think they are developed as an advantage early in our evolutionary history, when society was too polite to tell others when they thought they didn’t measure up to arbitrary standards and would instead exile them by collectively willing them somewhere else.

The neurologists concluded by saying your capacity to sense the judgment of others is most attuned when entering an unfamiliar social situation for the first time or basically whenever you’re feeling emotionally fragile.

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