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Student scores huge haul of free Oweek condoms to add to last year’s huge haul of unused free Oweek condoms

Second-year biology student Ryan Andersen has revealed he left his university’s Orientation Week with lots of condoms that he will add to his collection of condoms from years previous – none of which he has used. “The Union bags didn’t have any rubbers this year, which was a bit shit, but I wasn’t gonna let…

Second-year biology student Ryan Andersen has revealed he left his university’s Orientation Week with lots of condoms that he will add to his collection of condoms from years previous – none of which he has used.

“The Union bags didn’t have any rubbers this year, which was a bit shit, but I wasn’t gonna let that bring me down. The drama club had them, the bros at DrinkSOC hooked me upyou just gotta know where to look.”

The 20 year old reportedly visted every Oweek stall except ethnocultural stalls, vetting every gift bag before signing up. He also took far too many promotional condoms from nightclub promoters.

Onlookers said the foraging came with a surprising amount of urgency for someone who hasn’t had sex since Schoolies.

“I was really impressed,” Kelsey from SOHO said; “usually guys like Ryan, who have clearly had very minimal sexual experience, are weird and hesitant about taking condoms from us. But he just strode up, said ‘thanks’, gave his mate a knowing wink and walked away as if it was nothing.”

After trawling Eastern Avenue and the streets of main campus for the better part of Thursday, Andersen returned to his parents’ place where he reportedly closed his door, sat on the side of his bed and opened the top drawer of his bedside table, revealing his untouched collection of last year’s O-Week condoms.

Andersen’s mum reported that her son whispered stories of his expected sexual prowess as he emptied his hessian tote bags of 23 prophylactics. Though Andersen has no immediate or long-term sexual prospects in the coming year, he is confident he has the material means to negotiate the exchange when it happens.

“I am ready.”

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