Comedy //

Surprise, Surprise: Another Greens Rep Who Isn’t Even Solar-Powered

The Only True Wisdom with Dylon Stubbs

They’ve done it again. While my dear readers transfix themselves upon Bronwyn Bishop’s helicopter powered antics, the Australian Greens have preselected yet another left-of-centre socialist… and she isn’t even solar powered.

I mean, honestly. This time last year, the Queensland Nationals elected a coal powered thresher to the backbench; while the Liberals have thrice held the seat of Staines represented by the abstract personification of a flat tax rate. And yet here we are: 2015, and not a single elected parliamentarian from their side runs on the beneficent rays of the sun. The Greens—for all their talk of photosynthesis—are positively Vitamin D deficient.

Is it really so hard? Is it so difficult to find an automaton interested in defending the environment who also happens to run on solar panels? Is this party so devoid of imagination that they can’t even develop the microcircuitry required to repurpose the ultraviolet radiation from our universe’s centre for the sake of maintaining the welfare state? If I was Richard di Natale—and apparent doctor, I scoff—I would be spending a little less time trashing the former speaker of the house and a little more time with the soldering iron developing a super parliamentarian capable of putting my party’s money where its mouth is. A mouth that would be wholly cosmetic, if only they could forgo their need for material sustenance and run on sunlight.

It’s a dark day for the Australian Greens. And it doesn’t even matter because they can’t photosynthesise.