Comedy //

12 Facebook tips from the Paul’s Warden

Victoria Zerbst and Mary Ward can only hope to take a selfie in a cloche.

St Paul’s College is Australia’s oldest residential college. Over its 160-year history it has produced 28 Rhodes scholars, and has educated some of the best and brightest King’s boys this city has to offer. It also has a Facebook account.

You would think Paul’s would be able to employ someone to run this Facebook account, or at least offer the role as an unpaid internship for a third year Media and Communications student with a knack for filming Evensong services. But, somehow, control of the account has fallen to the college’s warden, Reverend Ivan Francis “FB master” Head.

Rev. Head has a PhD in theology and a Masters in #traction. So, if your social media isn’t really happening over the holidays, here are some tips from the Paul’s Warden.

1. Lift your mirror selfie game

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Likes: 15 | Comments: 0 | Cloches: 1

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Likes: 13 | Comments: 0 | Baptismal fonts: 1

Going for a selfie in the bathroom? STOP, pleb.

Find a more interesting reflective surface. Bain maries and other silverware make a sophisticated filter. Move over, Valencia.

Sometimes you don’t even have to be in the photo, the art speaks for itself:

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Likes: 7 | Comments: 0 | Stained glass inception: 2

2. Keep your audience guessing

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Likes: 1 | Comments: 1 | Mark in ‘Risk Management 101’: HD

Say you’re posting a video, then change your mind at the last minute and go with a photo. Your Face-mates will be so confused, they’ll wonder if they are the ones who live in a bubble.

3. Understand contemporary trends

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Likes: 8 | Comments: 1 | Ibes: 6

Ping: USyd Ibis Watch.

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Likes: 8 | Comments: 2 | Comments by self in third person: 1

4. Remind your friends how good you are at this

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Likes: 34 | Comments: 2 | Time of Easter Sunday service: 9am

You earned that traction, Rev. Head. Happy Easter.

5. When you’ve hit a winner, don’t be afraid to clog the feed

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Cumulative likes: 5 | Cumulative comments: 1 | Need for iPhone panorama function: 0

Detail one. Detail two. Detail three. The trinity. Remember, one good picture = one feed rotation, but one good picture split into three parts = three feed rotations. Don’t waste your traction on a panorama.

6. When captioning your images, remember you are a learned poet

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Likes: 5 | Comments: 1 | HSC English Extension 2 mark: 48

The Nanoscience Building, a poem by Dr. Ivan Francis Head.

7. Let everyone know you’re on Telstra 4G

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Likes: 4 | Comments: 0 | Notifications to check: 1

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Likes: 0 | Comments: 0 | Learning curves: 1

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Likes: 31 | Comments: 0 | 4G connectivity: 80%

What, you think the Paul’s Warden is on Amaysim? Enable 4G, enable traction.

8. Pander to your scholarly audience

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Likes: 13 | Comments: 1 | Jacaranda porn: 10/10

When in doubt, personify the study habits of your flag.

For more absurdist comedy from IFH, click here.

9. There’s no shame in a subsequent share

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Likes: 104 | Comments: 3 | Hitting the hundo: priceless

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Likes: 34 | Comments: 0 | Hitting the hundo: not quite, but still happy from the last 100

Make sure you share less than one minute after your original post. Your real fans will like it twice.

10. Try an edgy crop

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Likes: 26 | Comments: 2 | Solo artists: unknown

No one needs to know the details.

11. Amp up the production value

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Likes: 5 | Comments: 1 | Handshake length: 10 seconds

If there’s any time to use a collage, it’s when you’re sharing a picture with the Pope #interfaithdialogue. Note the use of mirror selfie AND edgy crop.

12. Know good content when you see it

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Likes: 8 | Comments: 0 | Unnecessary capitalisations: 1 (PS: You’re welcome.)

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Likes: 12 | Comments: 0 | Republication requests received by Honi: 0

Maybe there’s another Honi article you would like to share on your Facebook page. Maybe it’s this one. We promise we’ll like it.

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