Why aren’t millennials donning mech suits and fighting alien monsters?

And don't even bother asking them to empty the dishwasher

War of the worlds

It’s a simple enough question. Why aren’t today’s youth piloting biomechanical robot suits and fighting the bug-eyed tripodic horrors which invade our city every day?

Years ago, anticipating the invasion, my generation launched a preemptive strike against the xenomorph’s mothership. We managed to steal mechanical robot suit technology that we could use to protect ourselves.

We gathered the technology and designed the robot suits, was it too much to expect these lazy millennials could pilot them?

What’s behind such insolence? The answer is simple: millennials don’t care about the survival of humanity. They don’t care if we all just die. The only thing millennials care about is Apple Pods and Bee-onsay.

My very own son is one of these millennials. We’ve always had our differences. His mother says it’s because I forced the boy to wear miniature mech suits at school, but you’re wrong, Judy. Just be quiet, Judy, god.

Kevin… please reply to my texts. Let’s have a conversation. What are you so scared of a mech suit for, you goddamn wimp? Last time I asked him that question, it didn’t go down well.

“Your generation, for absolutely no good reason, wages a neo-imperialist war on an alien species and then expects us to clean up when it goes pear-shaped?” he says to me. “Classic baby boomers.”

Maybe he’s not totally wrong. But I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of knowing that. That little grub just needs to get in the fucking robot.