Hand dryers exposed

This article is native advertising for Dyson

Two illustrated hand dryers Art: Garnet Chan

Welcome to flu season, USyd! Here at Honi we’ve got pathogens on our hands and hygiene in our hearts. Since the start of the University’s Amenities Improvement Project, we’ve been locked in a debate about which location on campus provides students with the most luxury-car-like hand drying experience. So here’s a definitive ranking of the three best and worst we found.

The winners:

1) Bathrooms inside Courtyard Café/Refectory

This hand drying experience was almost dreamlike. Strong yet refreshing like an after-storm breeze, this well-maintained yet coyly hidden Dyson Airblade dB model catches you with an immersive high pressure drying adventure. All hands were completely dried and sanitised in a cleansing journey that bordered on religious salvation. We’ve been in a good mood ever since.

Air pressure: 10/10, Location: 8/10, Spirituality: 10/10

2) Bathrooms in Abercombie Business School

Abercrombie Precinct’s official construction website tells us it cost $180 million to build, and let me tell you: every one of those pennies was worth it. Home to the Ferrari of lavatories, Courtyard Café meets its match with Abercombie’s Dyson Airblade dB model in WHITE. Alongside drying our hands, this white stallion made us feel like we had a million dollar trust fund, and our last three purchases were from Ralph Lauren (the store, not the outlet). The breeze over our hands was akin to the breeze across our foreheads on our yacht in Vaucluse.

Air pressure: 10/10, Location: 6/10, Value before tax: 100/10, Value after tax: 10/10

3) All Locations With a Dyson Airblade dB

Are we biased? Yes. Is this entire article just native advertising? Also yes.

Air pressure: 10/10, Location: Relative, Dyson Airblade dB: 10/10

The losers:

1) Chemistry Building, Level 1

Very scarcely in life is it possible to describe a hand-washing experience as ‘laughably bad’ but … this was laughably bad. This unit just blasts hot air into the universe without purpose. The sensor is so awkwardly placed that it turns off without notice — which is probably a good thing, as when used for more than 10 seconds, the temperature becomes unbearable. Recommendation: you’re better off drying your hands in the wind. We’ve never been happier to be arts students.

Air pressure: 4/10, Location: 5/10, Temperature: 0/10

2) All Locations With a Dyson Airblade V System

If you like this kind of dryer, fuck you. It’s everywhere on campus and it fucking never turns on when you need it to. On top of that, it has a curious function of directing all the water from your hands onto your knees and the floor. Fuck the Dyson Airblade V.

Air pressure: 3/10, Location: Hermann’s Bar, Old Teacher’s College, Eastern Avenue, too many fucking places

3) Edward Ford Building, Level 1

First and foremost — what the fuck? This impossible-to-locate JD MacDonald brand relic railed us like a selfish lover. A wild journey of stopping and starting and querulous hand sensors meant our hands never really dried. This premature performer just blasted hot air all over us when it was ready — the result was water on our arms and knees. We had to clean up the mess afterwards with a paper towel.

Air pressure: 3/10, Location: 0/10, Self-absorption: 10/10