Comedy //

Four Corners presents: The reality of Chinese influence

Chinese interference is everywhere around you, but only if you know where to look.

Chinatown at night

In the past several months, revelations of Chinese foreign interference have shocked the nation. Four Corners are proud to have contributed to this much needed vigilance by exposing, amongst other things, that Chinese international students exist. However, despite this valiant public awareness campaign, many remain ignorant to the full extent of this pernicious invasion that has taken hold of the heart of our pure and morally perfect democracy.

In an exclusive investigation, Four Corners has uncovered startling evidence that conclusively proves that the level of Chinese interference in Australia has far exceeded what both the public and the political establishment previously thought. Prepare yourself, because the following revelations will rock our country to its core.

ABC can reveal that this word “China” refers to a country, not a fine white vitrified ceramic material. “China”, also known as East Asia, is beginning to broach our sandy shores, its influence tightening around us like the skin of a dumpling.

“Bubble tea”

Four Corners can reveal that hordes of Chinese people lining up outside so-called “bubble tea outlets” are in fact spies operating in allegiance to the Chinese Communist Party. These spies have been hiding in plain sight throughout Sydney’s CBD, from the top of George Street, all the way to Circular Quay. Indeed, the decor of these “bubble tea outlets” is often emblazoned with various characters belonging to the nation’s infamous language, “Chinese”. 

Throughout a lengthy covert investigation, Four Corners observed a pattern of customers leaving outlets with bags containing one or more cylindrical vessels filled with coloured liquids and black, bullet-shaped balls, presumed to be some sort of ammunition for a firearm. Customers then proceeded to violently stab the cylindrical canisters with a sharp object, presumed to be a dagger of some description. Four Corners understands that this depraved ritual is a form of remote training issued by the Chinese Ministry of State Security. 

In an unprecedentedly dangerous and covert operation, members of the Four Corners production donned surgical masks to conceal our identities, and entered the store in an attempt to obtain some of these cylindrical objects. 

Disturbingly, we found them impossible to open.

It is extremely worrying that China has developed such advanced technology, and that this technology is so readily accessible to the public: all one needs to do is say the words “brown sugar cheese foam” to wield the same power as a member of the People’s Liberation Army.

Most harrowingly, these so-called “bubble tea outlets” have even infiltrated University campuses. We ventured to the University of Sydney, where a “bubble tea outlet”, “Cha Li”, has pushed out a hallmark campus institution, the Co-Op bookshop. 

Four Corners spoke to Chinese language and culture expert Veronica Xue about this seemingly innocuous phenomenon. Her insights were bone-chilling.

“A lot of these so called “bubble tea” places have names with the word “Cha” in them, like Chatime or Gongcha.”

“What most Australians don’t know is that in the Chinese language, Cha [查]means ‘investigate’ and is used in words like ‘censorship.’ I think that’s pretty strong evidence pointing to these places being offices which the Chinese government uses to suppress and harass dissidents living in Australia.”

When we approached the chief operative at one of these places, they told us that the word Cha actually means tea in Chinese. However, Xue said that this was a calculated attempt by the Chinese government to silence criticism by pulling out the race card. 

Chinese embassy

Unbeknownst to many, there is in fact a place right here on Australian soil where the Chinese Communist Party enjoys unfettered sovereignty, including the unrestrained ability to carry out its morally reprehensible authoritarian agenda. The name of that place? The “Chinese Embassy”.

Hidden in plain sight, the “Chinese Embassy” is located barely a stone’s throw from the Federal Parliament in Canberra. Taking into account the fact that the mere presence of Confucius Centres on university campuses has already spread communism like the vile disease that it is, Four Corners can only assume that Canberra’s “Chinese Embassy” has been influencing the national legislative agenda for years now, and is likely responsible for radical socialist innovations like Australia’s excessively redistributive welfare system.

Using trademark investigative journalism™ skills, Four Corners not only detected the presence of this edifice of international espionage, but was able to contact those operating it. A spokesperson for the “Chinese Embassy” responded to allegations of communist spying by arguing that embassies are “standard diplomatic practice” and that almost 80 countries have embassies in Canberra. While this may be true, there is simply no evidence that any of those 80 countries are responsible for any interference in Australian democracy whatsoever.

“China Towns”

“Chinese” noodle restaurant. “Chinese” noodle house. “Chinese” dumpling restaurant.  “Chinese” dumpling house. Take one look at practically any street in the country and you’ll see these words emblazoned on just about every building.

The prevalence of Chinese restaurants in Australia is nothing new. Most Australians are aware of this much. But what has gone relatively unnoticed is the rapid spread of so-called “China Towns”. What’s next, “China City”? “Chinaustralia”?

After sending one of our journalists to every major city in the country, Four Corners can confirm that there are in fact NO “Australia Towns” in Australia. This is in stark contrast with the more than a dozen “China Towns” littered throughout our land.

Furthermore, based off our interactions with the so-called “Chinese Embassy”, we can only conclude that these “China Towns” function in much the same way as the communist espionage base in Canberra.

Speaking to Four Corners, Alexander Poske from the Sino Hegemony Inquiry into Terror (SHIT) warned that Australia is already on the verge of being overwhelmed.

“Sun Tzu said that the key to victory is to subdue the enemy without fighting. Through the establishment of these “China Towns”, that’s exactly what the CCP is doing. By visiting these settlements for lunch, dinner, and so on, what we’re actually doing is funnelling money back to the CCP so that they can continue with their expansionist goals.”


Ceramic china

Sun Tzu said that “all warfare is based on deception.” 1500 years may have passed since Tzu was the preeminent military strategist in China, but clearly the CCP has not neglected its strategic forebears. Deception remains the name of the game in the Neo-Cold War with China, and the CCP has mastered it to a horrifying extent.

Without even realising it, millions of Australians have unwittingly become agents of the CCP themselves. Check your kitchen cupboards. Chances are, you’ve invited China into your home. Literally.

After thoroughly consulting an array of ceramics experts as well as historical archives, Four Corners can announce the shocking revelation that millions of household dishes, plates, cups, and bowls in Australia are in fact not only made in China, but made of china.

Also known as porcelain, china is a ceramic material so infused with Chinese characteristics that its name is literally teeming with nationalist fervour. It is believed that the Chinese intentionally named this material after their own country centuries ago as part of an extremely drawn-out plan to exert soft power in kitchens around the globe and make their country literally a household name, thus normalising the prospect of the country’s global hegemony.

Speaking to Four Corners, the author of ‘Silent Invasion’, Clive Hamilton, warned Australians that each piece of china is likely concealing covert surveillance devices.

“China has been cooking up a storm of surveillance with their nefarious exporting of china,” Hamilton said. “The only thing I can advise Australians to do is to immediately grind all your items of China into a fine powder, thus destroying the concealed mind-control devices. Once that is done, complete the ritual of nationalist exorcism by scattering the powder in your backyard in the shape of the Southern Cross.”


While we have uncovered a grim portrait of Chinese interference in Australia, not all hope is lost. Recently the City of Sydney announced the cancelling of the “Night Noodle Markets.” Four Corners can reveal that noodles are a dish originally from China. Based off this, it is safe to say that the event had become a brazen attempt by the Chinese government to extend its soft-power on our shores. Like an octopus, the Chinese government is using its noodly tendrils to slowly suffocate Australian society of our democracy, which is why we as a society must act swiftly and purge our society of any agents of Chinese influence. The recent attempt at Monash University to “deny” Chinese international “students” the “right” to vote is a welcome step in the right direction, and a powerful reminder of what needs to be done to defend the democratic values which underpin our society. While they were unsuccessful, the hope for a better future grows, week by week, one Four Corners expose at a time.