Welcome to Who? Weekly!
We’re bringing the scandal back to campus. Taking our name from an iconic celebrity podcast, we’re here to sorts the whos from the thems. What’s a who we hear you ask? Well, dear reader, let us explain.
Your average campus hack would have you believe they’re a them, when they’re more likely to be a who. A who is someone who upon hearing their name, you’re like, who? A them is someone who upon hearing their name, you’re like, ah, them.
A first year factional foot-soldier with only one election under their belt is a who. A failed board candidate stripped of her membership for allegedly embezzling 12K from the USU is a them. It’s that simple!
Whos who wanna be thems
Although it’s only week zero, some losers are already planning their USU Board campaigns. We’ve done a bit of snooping and here’s who we think is tipped to run.
First up, we have Belinda Thomas from Unity (Labor Right for the newcomers). Beware Belinda was implicated in the Unity-Lib SASS stack at the end of last year, which saw her rewarded with becoming Secretary of the biggest student society on campus. It’s probably wise of Unity to run a woman after their 2019 made-to-run-for-USU candidate Tom Manousaridis missed out because of AA requirements, despite receiving enough votes to get on Board otherwise.
Next up, we have Nina Mountford from NLS (National Labor Students/Labor Left). Naive Nina is the Campus Activity Coordinator at the USU, the director of Queer Revue this year and is involved with SUDS. She also made some astrology society? She is a Virgo though, and considering last year’s successful USU candidate Nick Forbutt is one to, there may be something written in the stars.
From Grassroots, we hear SRC Environment Officer, USU Student Activities Coordinator and last year’s Law Revue assistant director, Prudence Wilkins Wheat is considering throwing her hat in the ring. Of course, Grassroots is known for its internal should we/shouldn’t we run for board debates. With this in mind, expect Plotter Prudence to run under Switch branding with an activist campaign. Of course, it’s hardly ever a USU Board election without the SASS President (this year it’s Nick Rigby) running. Nauseating Nick is a Liberal who gained his position in the aforementioned Lib-Unity stack. We imagine he’ll now turn friend (Belinda) into foe as they compete over the same greasy first year arts camp students to bully into campaigning for them.
Dodgy Dane was one of the Vice Presidents at the SRC last year, and is one of the 2020 Welcome Week coordinators. He is perhaps best known for scheming a stipend for the previously unpaid VP position (read more about this later in the paper lol). However, he is perhaps less known for allegedly bankrolling our f*cking l*s*r competitors’ campaign to edit this student rag last year.Whilst not a member of any campus faction, he has ties to the Mod Libs whose campaign he managed in 2018 #shakeup!
Following, we have Joker Julie. Julie is involved with SUDS and produced Science Revue in 2018. She also co-produced The Good, The Band and The Ugly with rival Naive Nina. Perhaps most interestingly however, we’ve heard she approached former them and current who Cameron Caccamo himself for campaign advice. Turns!
Finally, we’ve heard that current board director, Benny Shen is looking to run a friend of his, who is likely someone who also lives at Queen Mary.
Communist soft power in the SRC
Those with a keen eye for inter-factional relations would note that tensions between Grassroots and Panda have eased, with the two voting together on all motions at last Thursday’s council. It’s a far cry from their relationship in 2019, spelling interesting things for upcoming board negotiations.
Can’t blame the travel ban for this one!
Zimeng Ye recently resigned from her position as USU board director, citing concerns over obtaining a visa as a result of the recent travel ban. We’ve heard unconfirmed reports that this is not quite the truth, and that Zimeng was never going to return to Australia anyway (coronavirus who?) as she has received an offer to begin a JD at a university in Hong Kong.
Look who’s a big boy now
Former Moderate Liberal big-noter and current Man With Rapidly Fading Relevancy Jacob Masina has got himself a shiny new job as an Assistant Adviser to the bloody Prime Minister himself, Scott Morrison. The only thing more embarrassing than publicly supporting Scott Morrison is all the so-called progressives that love-reacted the status announcing it. #RIP 🙁
SULS have provoked the ire of one USU President Connor Wherrett, who in his personal capacity as a “normal student” called out their sponsorship by Ashurst, a law firm known to underpay junior staff. SULS responded by saying that they wouldn’t be cutting ties with Ashurst due to funding, and Connor angry reacted. Riveting stuff.
Where are they now?
Remember Is Dom, Is Good — the ill fated campaign of Liberal Dom Bondar? He’s now managing the Facebook page of Quadrant, which once called for the bombing of our beloved public broadcaster, the ABC!