The Sydney University Law Society Cruise has been quarantined due to an outbreak of COVID-19, to the delight of everyone else on campus. Emergency supplies of boat shoes, Sydney Law jumpers and torts notes have been shipped over by NSW Health.
“We’re horrified,” a SULS spokesperson told The Rodent Review. “Who could have foreseen virus spreading on a cruise ship, of all places? Especially one full of black out drunk law students fingering each other?”
On board, reports emerge that things are turning dark. Militant factions of MOOTers vye for power against Clayton Utz paralegals, the two groups looking to dominate the rapidly depleting supplies of Smirnoff and smuggled on Little Fat Lamb.
Appallingly, The Rodent can reveal that the University has offered Arts students $500 dollars to clean the now putrid ship. This is a “good opportunity to earn good money”, an email from Vice Chancellor Spence states. “We doubt that it is any more likely that students will contract COVID-19 on the boat than elsewhere in our infested campus.”
But despite everything, many remain positive.
“I have coronavirus and haven’t eaten anything except stale Doritos in two days,” one first year Arts/Law student said, “but this is still better than that fucking SASS Welcome to Uni party.”