What are board games really teaching your non-existent children?

Cluedo: This unregulated bonanza of death explicitly promotes vigilante justice and extra-judicial investigation to a dangerous extent. Up to 6 “players”, or should we call them “outlaws”, investigate the murder of a dear friend. Do they call the police? No. Do they telegram the police? No. Do they send out some kind of messenger with an oil lantern in search for the police? No again. Just to prevent my conscience from being eternally stained I introduce an extra unofficial character to the game called Inspector Indigo. He wears a purple trench coat, loves to knit and most importantly of all is a trained and authorised agent of the law. Please visit my Etsy shop for the Inspector’s figurine. Bulk purchases will be discounted.

Jenga: Construction codes and building industry regulations are critical to the safety and wellbeing of all. Why then is Jenga allowing the unauthorised renovation and subsequent demolition of a brutalist (and most likely heritage listed) high rise building? I don’t recall the proper permits being granted by the Jenga tower’s local council (Presumably the City of the Dining Room Table, which after amalgamation merged with the City of the Lounge Room Coffee Table). And I certainly don’t recall them seeking a materials exemption with the Department of Planning, considering that the double thick wooden planks they’re using could spell another cladding crisis. Shame on Jenga and shame on Hasbro for encouraging such dangerous behaviour!

Monopoly: This game is perfect. It represents the majesty of free market capitalism in its purest form. The rule book is the ever present invisible hand and the two dice (found in the game box) which exactly replicate the unquestionable fairness of unregulated markets. And like all good public transportation systems, taking the train can potentially bankrupt you (depending on how concentrated its ownership is). What this adds up to is a highly educational experience which teaches humans aged 8 and up what truly unregulated bliss feels like.