Step 1:
Identify a mild internet outrage.
Step 2:
Identify your target. Top points if they’re Indigenous, but we’ll settle for “ethnic” or “vaguely ethnic”. Women are great too, but only if they have worthwhile photos (see step 3).
Step 3:
Ensure you dedicate hours to researching their profiles, saving their formal photos and/or bikini selfies to a folder in your laptop.
Refrain from any and all self-pleasure, fuelling your darkest libidinal urges into stalking a random teenager online journalistic research.
Title the folder “Definitely real research”, because this is definitely what it is.
Step 4:
Type up your article, making sure to use the approved Daily Mail style guide in finalising your piece. Here are a few handy shortcuts:
Stating the truth = “Whinge”
Pointing out a key problem with the world = “Whine”
A younger generation shut out from the economic opportunities = “Generation ME”
Someone who made a petition = “Radical activist”
Someone with pink hair = “Militant radical activist”
Someone who has eaten a vegetable, once = “Militant vegan activist”
Remember, you can really say anything you like, so long as you attribute it to an anonymous troll. For example: “Many critics have lashed out at the Daily Mail for its constant manufacturing of false outrage. One commenter stated, ‘The best contribution the Daily Mail has had to public discourse is publishing photos of Love Island stars’ nip slips.’”
Step 5:
Submit your piece for rigorous editorial review and fact-checking. At this stage, all facts are identified and immediately removed.
Step 6:
Look in the mirror asking yourself, “Did you really go to University for this? You’re supposed to be a journalist. I hate you. I hate you. You’re nothing.”
Muffle your crying at night into your pillow so your roommates won’t hear you.
Step 7:
Tell yourself if you didn’t do this job someone else would, and there are no other jobs in journalism right now. Maybe your editor will even let you report on that important refugee piece you keep pitching next time!
Step 8:
Repeat.
