In an exclusive interview with an American inmate, The Rodent received word of prison remodelling under the Biden-Harris administration.
In an attempt to connect with younger voters, who were unable to understand any of Biden’s speeches on the campaign trail, VP candidate Kamala Harris has committed to streamlining and integrating her two favourite pastimes: fun TikTok dances and upholding an oppressive carceral state which punishes minorities.
“Kamala came to visit us the other day,” Juan, 12, told one of our reporters. “My cell is getting fitted for three halo lights — and one of them even hides the discolouration from all the times I’ve been beaten up!”
Prison exercise equipment is also getting an update. Instead of chin-up bars and a running track, inmates will now have well-lit areas in which to group dance to Top 40 hits like 100 gecs’ Money Machine and Doja Cat’s Say So.
Alcatraz Island is in the process of being renamed ‘Hype Island’ and will soon be open to conducting brand deals and collaborations with other Los Angeles TikTok mansions. Prisoners will also be able to opt-in to help influencers edit clean TikTok transitions in exchange for a shorter sentence.
We encountered another inmate on our way out, a young man named Hasan who was set to be deported the following week. He said: “This would make a great POV TikTok. I’m an immigrant and you’re a vengeful Attorney-General looking to clean up the streets.”
The Rodent also encountered other inmates on our visit, but our reporters could not, for the life of them, figure out what ‘oomf’ or ‘stancharlie’ meant.