In truly astonishing news for fans of law, sport, monarchy, embezzling, revolution, panthers, sex offending, cars, fashion and deejaying the world over, assumed-to-be-dead celebrities Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Kobe Bryant, Princess Diana, Tina Lee, Qasem Suleimani, Chadwick Boseman, Karl Lagerfeld, Paul Walker and Avicii, have been discovered living a luxurious, drug-fuelled existence in Tel Aviv, Israel.
The motley gang were discovered this week after passersby heard strange sniffing noises and groans coming from a seemingly innocuous underground bunker, previously assumed an abandoned military shelter for decades. Turning a blind eye at first, the neighbours attempted to go about their daily business.
However, they soon found the commotion too much, and their curiosity overwhelmed them. With skyrocketing coronavirus cases in the country, and threats of a third lockdown, they knew something wasn’t quite right, and went in to investigate the problem for themselves.
What came next was… inconceivable! Hands wielding glowsticks circled the air as the uplifting trance of Avicii’s “Wake Me Up” permeated the room, the Swedish DJ riling up the crowd below him. Smoke machines began wooshing, as people’s bodies — as if possessed by the Party Phantom — began contorting in anticipation of the drop.
RGB threw her head back and began to sing along:
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost.
Consumed, she took out her Zap amyl, huffing heavily three times in each nostril, before attempting to pass it to Kobe behind her. Failing to meet his hands in the heaving chaos, Kobe turned her around and picked her up by her ass cheeks, wrapping his big hands around her tiny waist. She thrust the bottle to his nose as he inhaled deeply. As the dissociation hit, he plunged his tongue down her throat, kissing her passionately.
Above, a revolving disco ball — shaped like a coronavirus molecule — lit up the dance floor in neon pink, purple and blue hues. As it swirled, different scenes began to emerge.
Outside the bathroom, Paul Walker was fucking Princess Di up the ass, yelling “Vroom Vroom!”, as she swallowed four MDMA pills.
As one neighbour told Who?Weekly: “She’s my idol, Princess Di is, and to find out she’s alive after all this time, only to be hiding away and involved in such debauchery has got me questioning so much about her that I’d always taken for granted.”
In another corner, Epstein was snorting a line off a supine Karl Lagerfeld, dressed only in his signature thick black sunglasses, his Chanel face mask submerged in a bowl of GHB-induced punch.
Whilst others were finding their partners for the night, Chadwick (with a bleeding nose) was bounding across the space, wall-to-wall, growling like a panther, as he shoved swabs of speed up the noses of unsuspecting dancers. Leaping over to Tina Lee to give her a bump, Lee declined, pushing him away and said: “Goodness me! It’s Tina Lee, and Tina Lee only does the finest cocaine!”
After snorting a line, she picked up a bottle of Veuve, shook it and then sprayed it all over the crowd. Everyone cheered loudly as hysteria engulfed the room.
Qasem, a gram of 2cb in hand, approached the decks. “Avicii, my man! You know what’ll really get me going?”
“What do you want, you Sulei-Man?”
“Levels. You know, I’ll let you in on a secret. It was the Guard’s hype song,” he said as he motioned zipping his lips. This was, after all, his biggest secret.
The disco ball began to slow down, as the music began to transition, the crowd waiting in expectation.
A euphoric pulse started to fill the room.
A crack appeared and confetti slowly fell from the roof. Then, a beaming light shone on Qasem’s face, who stood with his arms outstretched and smiled with pink powder all over his teeth.
This was their safe haven, their escape from all the haters outside. They had found their wonderland, in the Holy Land.