Dear plumptious beauties,
It’s been a long winter of backroom deals and back door entries. I was ready to bid the sadistic SRC sayonara, but after my dirty laundry business bankrupted in Gladys’ lurid lockdown, I was forced to submit to massively reduced terms to provide a third party gossip column to the esteemed editors of Honi Soit. Thankfully, my gorgeous editors used their discretionary budget to give me a complete makeover and I’m feeling as alluring as ever.
This year’s hopeful Honi whores have found themselves balls-deep in backstabbing and brazen betrayal.
In my last column, I undressed the shroud of secrecy surrounding a burgeoning editorial ticket of Lauren Lancaster, Zara Zadro, Amelia Raines, Patrick McKenzie, Rhea Thomas, and Zander Czerwaniw. But, as I know only too well, even the tightest relationship can quickly sour.
Pushed to the edge by interpersonal dramas, Thomas, McKenzie and Raines decided to blue ball their fellow fiends, conspiring with Harry Gay to pull out of the ticket and poach Czerwaniw! Lauren’s ticket was left tits-up while her opponents increased their body count: Khanh Tran, Ariana Haghighi, Danny Cabubas, Bonnie Huang and Anie Kandya joined in the action, along with washed-up Honi editor Matthew Forbes as prospective campaign manager.
But while they were busy with their ten-person circle jerk, Lauren roped in former Bloom ‘manager’ Christian Holman, Ellie Stephenson, Roisin Murphy and Thomas Sargeant from the shadows of a last-ditch 2020 Honi run. These viscous vamps weren’t finished yet, cuffing Sam Randle and Mahmoud al-Rifai too.
Darlings, you know that I love gossip, but this is where things get even more torturously tedious.
Tran was persuaded by Holman to switch positions and defect, after deciding that their original ticket was filled with stupol amateurs and lacked “robust political discussion.” However, Treacherous Tran remained on their original ticket for two weeks, stealthily spilling their sordid secrets. Grassroots bigwigs had a helping hand, with SRC President Liam Donohoe (who?) briefly advising Lancaster’s ticket and threatening to destroy their competitors.
After Lancaster cucked her co-conspirators by nominating for SRC President (gasp!), Holman’s ticket tied up Liberal campaigner Justin Lai and college critter Madhullikaa Singh. My cunning carrier pigeons say that al-Rifai and Lai are looking to drop out from the ticket, but have been told to lay low until after the election.
Stick with me plumptious beauties, because this tale has one final twist. About a week ago, unbeknownst to his ticket members, Holman approached McKenzie, Thomas and Raines to offer a merger — a ‘super’ ticket with himself, Stephenson, Murphy, Tran, and Sargeant. The status of this merger is unclear, and the bogus bitches have kept their mouths shut since.
Meanwhile, Holman’s ticket has been seeking the company of total strangers, DMing almost every Honi contributor begging them to campaign. Do I smell a stinky whiff of desperation?
While our erotic editing hopefuls go at each other, stupol factions across this cursed campus are rising from the ground to sate their psephological desires. As I have already exposed, Lauren Lancaster has been preselected as Grassroots’ presidential candidate after the caucus had to get down on their knees and beg for someone to nom.
A current Enviro Officer, Lauren has never held a paid Office Bearer position and is only in her second year. I certainly don’t have an issue with youth: when I was in my second year, I was doing far bigger things than running for Pres.
I almost had my pink knickers knocked off when I learnt that famed tuba player and humbly hairlined Matthew Carter of The Con is also throwing his hat in the ring. The ProctorU employee I sucked off tells me that an unholy alliance of Liberals and unprincipled Unity hacks will be backing Cocky Carter in the election. I for one can’t wait to see who comes first in this two-horse race.
I’m so frustrated that I can’t be on campus in-person, but at least I can spend all day scoffing home delivery on my chaise lounge.
Miss Soit x