Comedy //

USU Board recap: Heists, haemorrhaging and high crime

The End Times holds your student representatives accountable

Traipsing once again into the Cullen room in the Holme Building, the End Times sat down for yet another long, boring USU Board meeting. But this meeting was anything but boring, with the USU having become embroiled in a series of audacious and increasingly violent thefts. 

Hands up! It’s a heist

After thirteen minutes of technological errors, USU CEO Andrew Mills presented a Powerpoint presentation about the USU’s finances, which served to confirm the classic idiom ‘pride comes before a fall.’ 

Months of lauding the USU’s financial savviness and sizeable surplus have taken a sour turn, attracting thieves to the Union’s outlets. 

Mills particularly condemned a heist at Courtyard last week that turned violent. Armed with various firearms, a burglar requested an iced mocha at the cafe in the campus’ West. Provided by a fearful staff member with an iced matcha, the robber turned violent, repulsed by the admittedly vile consistency of the drink.


The crime wave has also hit the Wentworth food court, with one casual pool player brutally hit over the head with a human-sized USU branded plywood fork. The USU has factored deep cleaning of the resulting blood stains into its assessment of its operating contribution for the coming year. 

High crime

The meeting came to a terrifying close as the criminal mastermind behind the spate of crimes was unmasked. 

As we were watching USU President Cole Scott-Curwood explain something something uplifts SSAF something money, a masked figure snuck into the room, grabbing plate after plate of HostCo hors d’oeuvres. 

The figure’s mask was futile however, as they were also wearing distinctive bubblegum-scented sandals, which quickly identified them as an editor of our revolting rival publication, Honi Soit.

The villain in question explained that they were simply trying to sustain their habit of rewarding themselves every 1000 words in their thesis. “I have my eye on a really nice pair of Vivienne Westwood earrings,” they said, tearing up. 

“Please, it’s due in a week.”