Freya FLOPS: Leach loses State Election run

USyd student, and long-suffering victim of the conservative cause, Freya Leach has failed in her bid to be elected the State member of the legislative assembly for Balmain with the Liberal Party.

The criminal law icon gained only 18% of the primary vote, almost two per cent less than the previous Liberal Party candidate in the seat. Green’s candidate Kobi Shetty won the seat ahead of Labor’s Phillippa Scott.

Rumours abound that Leach ran to prove she was not the murderess the aborted 2022 Criminal Law exam supposedly painted her to be. (Both Shetty and Scott remained alive throughout the campaign, despite their left-wing proclivities.)

While some within the Liberal Party are blaming Leach’s loss on the locale’s left-leanings, Honi suspects the reason for Leach’s poor showing is due to the lingering after-effects of the doomed exam.

With a name as uncommon as “Freya”, Leach would have had an enormous name-recognition advantage compared with the other candidates.

Leach also went into the election with a proven record of “giving back to the community” — her fight for conservative rights led to the Law School giving back a brand new exam to 400 Criminal Law students.

However, Honi has been told that voters of Balmain were shocked to see a candidate named Freya running for their seat with a conservative party. It was confusing, Honi heard, that her election run came after the only other person with the name Freya (also a conservative) was famously thrown out of a window by Daniel’s drunk fiancée, Nicola.

“How could she be running for election after she ‘die[d] almost as soon as she [hit] the ground’?” one voter asked.

Other voters had overcome their shock at Leach’s Christ-like resurrection and expressed their opposition to voting for someone who (allegedly, we guess) so mercilessly ran over Daniel Wallis, an illiberal liberal, with her sporty-looking Mercedes car moments before her murder (for which the prosecution must prove that …).

“They told us ‘DO NOT discuss dangerous driving causing death offences or any other offences that are outside the scope of this unit of study’, but what else are we to discuss after what she did?”

“It’s blatant censorship,” Honi was told by a voter.

After her clear election loss, Leach has likely learned that much like politics and criminal law don’t mix (apparently?), neither do being a culture war hack and a viable candidate.