The end of Aries season has been full of breakups — tears, breakup sex and a frenzy of dating apps? Fuck yes, the time of embarrassment and relentless swiping!
Aries: You shed one tear when breaking up and sculled a whole jug of beer at once. Beer burps to soak up all your sadness? Not very healthy but delicious, I guess.
Taurus: Talk it the fuck out, man! Want to bop to Olivia Rodrigo for three hours straight and masturbate 45-minutes in a row? Go for it and then rant about your silly ex after.
Gemini: Your break up patterns are weird, bro. You might have a revelation about your relationship mid crazy butt stuff and decide to take a break from things. A bit sad for the heart, still all with pleasure.
Cancer: Time to get back into the scene after years of lamenting that sexy ex of yours. Casual fucking in the bar without thinking about marrying them immediately is good for you, go shimmer in the fluorescent lights of the dance floor.
Leo: If they upset you, dump their ass! Mediocre booty calls aren’t worth it, you deserve fulfilling, passionate and rowdy orgasms.
Virgo: Are Virgos virgins? Oh HELL no. You’ve been slipping into sticky sheets all across Newtown, and it burns, baby (remember to get tested!). Keep fucking! Just because you’re in your post-breakup feels, doesn’t mean you can’t stop getting that dick.
Libra: Kiss haaaaard. You better lock your lips with all the Birdcage hotties, and swap that spit like it’s 2012.
Scorpio: Suck some motherfucking titties! Honi Editors love boobs and you should appreciate them too. Get more into breast stimulation and forget all your ex-lovers’ stress, yummy!
Sagittarius: Bring out the chains and the whips! It’s time to stop that vanilla fucking, and spice it up with some BDSM in the Fisher bathrooms… like Rihanna said, na na na na na come on, come on, come on.
Capricorn: Ring ring bitches! It’s time to whisper sweet nothings over a Messenger voice call, and slip a hand down there… touchy touchy!
Aquarius: Winter’s coming, and so should you. Slip into a bubbly jacuzzi with that hottie from last night, and let the pleasure stream through you.
Pisces: Spoon sashimi into each other’s mouths! There’s nothing like raw fish and a raunchy makeout session after delicious sushi that your new sugar mommy is spoiling you with.
