St Paul’s College is Australia’s oldest residential college. Over its 160-year history it has produced 28 Rhodes scholars, and has educated some of the best and brightest King’s boys this city has to offer. It also has a Facebook account.
You would think Paul’s would be able to employ someone to run this Facebook account, or at least offer the role as an unpaid internship for a third year Media and Communications student with a knack for filming Evensong services. But, somehow, control of the account has fallen to the college’s warden, Reverend Ivan Francis “FB master” Head.
Rev. Head has a PhD in theology and a Masters in #traction. So, if your social media isn’t really happening over the holidays, here are some tips from the Paul’s Warden.
1. Lift your mirror selfie game
Likes: 15 | Comments: 0 | Cloches: 1
Likes: 13 | Comments: 0 | Baptismal fonts: 1
Going for a selfie in the bathroom? STOP, pleb.
Find a more interesting reflective surface. Bain maries and other silverware make a sophisticated filter. Move over, Valencia.
Sometimes you don’t even have to be in the photo, the art speaks for itself:
Likes: 7 | Comments: 0 | Stained glass inception: 2
2. Keep your audience guessing
Likes: 1 | Comments: 1 | Mark in ‘Risk Management 101’: HD
Say you’re posting a video, then change your mind at the last minute and go with a photo. Your Face-mates will be so confused, they’ll wonder if they are the ones who live in a bubble.
3. Understand contemporary trends
Likes: 8 | Comments: 1 | Ibes: 6
Ping: USyd Ibis Watch.
Likes: 8 | Comments: 2 | Comments by self in third person: 1
4. Remind your friends how good you are at this
Likes: 34 | Comments: 2 | Time of Easter Sunday service: 9am
You earned that traction, Rev. Head. Happy Easter.
5. When you’ve hit a winner, don’t be afraid to clog the feed
Cumulative likes: 5 | Cumulative comments: 1 | Need for iPhone panorama function: 0
Detail one. Detail two. Detail three. The trinity. Remember, one good picture = one feed rotation, but one good picture split into three parts = three feed rotations. Don’t waste your traction on a panorama.
6. When captioning your images, remember you are a learned poet
Likes: 5 | Comments: 1 | HSC English Extension 2 mark: 48
The Nanoscience Building, a poem by Dr. Ivan Francis Head.
7. Let everyone know you’re on Telstra 4G
Likes: 4 | Comments: 0 | Notifications to check: 1
Likes: 0 | Comments: 0 | Learning curves: 1
Likes: 31 | Comments: 0 | 4G connectivity: 80%
What, you think the Paul’s Warden is on Amaysim? Enable 4G, enable traction.
8. Pander to your scholarly audience
Likes: 13 | Comments: 1 | Jacaranda porn: 10/10
When in doubt, personify the study habits of your flag.
For more absurdist comedy from IFH, click here.
9. There’s no shame in a subsequent share
Likes: 104 | Comments: 3 | Hitting the hundo: priceless
Likes: 34 | Comments: 0 | Hitting the hundo: not quite, but still happy from the last 100
Make sure you share less than one minute after your original post. Your real fans will like it twice.
10. Try an edgy crop
Likes: 26 | Comments: 2 | Solo artists: unknown
No one needs to know the details.
11. Amp up the production value
Likes: 5 | Comments: 1 | Handshake length: 10 seconds
If there’s any time to use a collage, it’s when you’re sharing a picture with the Pope #interfaithdialogue. Note the use of mirror selfie AND edgy crop.
12. Know good content when you see it
Likes: 8 | Comments: 0 | Unnecessary capitalisations: 1 (PS: You’re welcome.)
Likes: 12 | Comments: 0 | Republication requests received by Honi: 0
Maybe there’s another Honi article you would like to share on your Facebook page. Maybe it’s this one. We promise we’ll like it.