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The bubble tea discourse needs to include people like me: white yuppies

Joey Audrey-Smith vents his rage

I moved into Surry Hills to escape the asians, immerse myself in the fine culture of the suburb. Wonderful bistros and a brand new espresso bar each week! And yet the hot new trend of this summer is apparently this wild thing called “bubble tea”. It’s so fun and silly — step aside T2!

There’s numerous totally random flavours to play around with: mango crush, tarrow milk tea and hazelnut. It seems like everyone has hopped on this wild new trend for the upcoming season. For most of you readers the closest bubble tea will be in Broadway Shopping Centre (totally crowded but totally worth it!).

However, if you’re feeling really adventurous you can make your way down the T9 Northern line and get off at this cute little suburb called “eastwoods” to get the real authentic flavour.

With all this to look forward to and more, you can imagine my dismay when I realised that there’s absolutely no soy or almond mylk options. I mean seriously what’s the point. When you come to this country leave your lactose at the door — okay? thanks.

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When I finally found a place that could get me a soy bubble tea, they put this weird plastic thing on the cup that I couldn’t even peel off. Am I meant to just rip apart the cup? When I finally got this plastic off all these Asians started giggling at me. I mean the disrespect…is…just…beyond.

All in all, I’d say that bubble tea promises a lot but delivers very little. While the flavours are exciting, it’s hard to see why everyone’s getting around such an exclusionary trend.

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