Comedy //

Paw Paw Poor Pore Treatment

Everyday tips for the loathsome masses, with Vivienne Hellegas

It hurts me to so much as acknowledge it, but it’s come to my attention that many people who read this beautiful little paper are poorer than myself. Sad, I know. And I can only imagine that with the stresses of being average, and the constant mingling with other less wealthy people, your pores are little cess pools of infection and insecurity. But have no fear, darling Viv is here! To help!

Because I have a heart of gold (and not because I have a lot of gold bullion!), I understand that humans are capable of feeling things in response to the plight of those who live near them and even sometimes those who live a little bit further away!

You may not have access to the beautiful products from SKII, Lancome, La Mer, Chanel, Shiseido, Chantecaille or any of the other luxury brands that I have on my dresser, but we ALL have access to Thomas Dux and Macro Wholefoods and chilled water! This is a recipe that’s designed so anyone can rustle it up with what’s lying around in the pantry! Stop being so poor, and let’s get beautiful!


Paw paw, cumquats, lychees, caviar, the curd of forty litres of unhomogenised milk, whale.


Mash all the fruit ingredients together with a mortar and pestle (it has to be a porous stone surface or the cumquats will sour the lychees!) and set the whale and curd going in a Thermomix until smooth. Add the curd mixture to the fruit and blast freeze off the fat solids to the surface – scrape them as the mix thaws. The caviar is a delicious snack to get you through the process!

Now, obviously the optimal applicator is your beautician! But, if you’re nursing extra bills because some dyke cop with a chip on her shoulder got you double-parked in a clearway on Military Road when you were ducking in to grab some art supplies for the kids, use the tail of an obliging Labrador retriever!

Now this recipe isn’t an invitation to touch me in public, but I look forward to seeing you all strutting your beautiful, budget selves! Talk soon darlings!