The Garter Press went off the grid a long time ago.

A morning after rainbow-coloured hysteria swept newsfeeds everywhere, local Facebook user Nick Carroll has begun to worry about when it’s appropriate to change his rainbow display picture. “You definitely don’t want to be the first”, the openly heterosexual man said, “but if you leave it too long, people might think I’m… you know? It’s like…

Pope Francis has wowed Catholic and non-Catholic audiences alike this week by wearing a very cool black leather jacket. The Pope revealed his cool new jacket, like that sported by popular television character The Fonz, in a post-Easter address at the Apostolic palace. “Just chill!” the pontiff declared from the famous balcony of his official…

G’day weaklings, Literal myth and legend G-d of the Old Testament, here. Seems a lot of people seem to have a problem with my style. The fashionable thing is to wear tight pants and decry my book as past-it while some have nerve to claim that I’m not bloody relevant anymore! Fancy that! It’s not…

A ground-breaking report at Stamford University has today demonstrated that the elderly are actually just older regular people. Rick Parsons, coordinator of the decades long investigation said that the results of the study were “truly incredible”. “Whereas for a long time it seemed as though the elderly were some sort of separate species, unfit for…

A surgery set to break all kinds of records in the world of brain science has gone well this week, when a jock head was transplanted to the donor body of a nerd. Corey Stephenson, a first grade NRL player for the Canterbury Bulldogs, was tragically crippled after a horse riding accident in July last…

Everyday tips for the loathsome masses, with Vivienne Hellegas

Until-recently-missing ex-Herald cruciverbalist David Astle has again opted not to attend a press conference in person,  instead sending a media representative to reiterate that he is alive and well and everyone should stop asking bloody questions. At a similar event on Tuesday to announce his safe return, Astle’s representative stated unequivocally, “David is in the…

Archaeologists have found ancient artefacts at a digsite in Gibraltar which show that citizens of the Roman Empire regularly met for dice games at which they would roleplay as twenty-first century, middle class workers with tedious jobs and mortgages. Professor Archie Hats from the Oxford School of Archaeology spear-headed the latest excavations, and said that…

The Federal Government has received bipartisan support for their decision to appoint Janine Frostworn to the new cabinet position of Minister for the Appeasement of the Dreadful Spectres from the Land of Snow and Ice. In her inaugural address, Frostworn avoided the pitfall less skilfully negotiated by many of her colleagues, by underpromising, and stressing…