REPORT: Elderly Just Old Regular People

A ground-breaking report at Stamford University has today demonstrated that the elderly are actually just older regular people.

Rick Parsons, coordinator of the decades long investigation said that the results of the study were “truly incredible”.

“Whereas for a long time it seemed as though the elderly were some sort of separate species, unfit for compassion or kindness,” Parsons said “This study has proven that they have a whole lot more in common with us than we first thought.”

The study followed the lives of nearly five thousand regular, adult human beings for more than forty years and found that, with time, every test subject, notwithstanding the very youngest of the group, demonstrated all the signs of being geriatric.

“You look at the elderly and you think: all those wrinkles… those horrible stoops… I couldn’t possibly be of the same species… or even biological family as one of those things. I feel closer to chimps.”

The researchers say that they can’t be certain the youngest participants in the project will definitely grow to become elderly, but “we’re pretty sure, in time, even babies will become brittle-boned, thin-haired and wobbly. Ours is a truly amazing species for all its variety.”

The research team is uncertain as to whether or not the discovery is likely to improve treatment of the elderly.

“They still smell heaps bad,” Doctor Parsons concluded.