Comedy //

The Seven Daily Habits of Successful People

Business can be Hell, man! with Tim Hellman.

You don’t get to be at the top of your field without picking up on a few tricks of the trade shared by every prominent corporate director and all footsoldiers to the prince of darkness. While they’re not a sure fire recipe for success, it’s hard not to notice the pattern!

Wake up before 7.30. All of my clients have a strict practice of getting up bright and early, 7 days a week. It’s because your natural biorhythms are the most in sync at this time of day. Believe me: there’s no other way to really get your day started!

Drink plenty of water. Staying hydrated is an excellent way to maintain healthy skin, hair and digestion. It’s also a guaranteed appetite reducer. It is imperative you drink 6 full glasses of water a day and experts recommend you drink as many as 8 or 9! Note: ice water is a proven hindrance to your digestion as it contracts your blood vessels and makes it harder for your body to process fats. Lemon water also has plenty of Vitamin C.

Let your subordinates know that you (conditionally) care about them. Every successful person must learn to macromanage their lives by delegating tasks to assistants, workers, and other staff in positions of humiliating servitude. It can be difficult for those tiny people to stay energetic and motivated if you forget to let them know that they really mean something very quantifiable to you, until they fail you in any way. Further, while you probably have a good reason for horribly burning your colleagues, make sure they understand why. It’s a basic courtesy that goes a long way for team morale. Loudly bellow the problem to the whole office while vomiting smoke to ensure that nobody misses the message. It will still sometimes slip through, though!

Set Goals! Focus and reflect on your short and long term goals (for earthly revenge). Most people I meet in my seminars tend to overestimate how much they can hate in a day and underestimate how much they can hate in a month. Good goal setting involves forward thought and persistence. Don’t defile rival pentagrams one day and forget to seal the inner sanctum the next. If you want to release the grim spectre of death on earth, you need to take measurable, regular steps to get there.

Stare in a mirror and strike your back with a whip. That’s right! It’s not just for Silas the albino monk in the famous Dan Brown novel The Da Vinci Code! Staring chasteningly into a mirror while striking yourself with a disciplinary instrument is an ideal way to punish yourself for the sin and shame inherent in your corporeal form. It is a fantastic way to centre your mind and focus on whatever tasks you face in the coming day, and on the inward mortification that beleaguers any ephemeral spirit forced to inhabit the arrogant ape planet. Between all the emails, appointments, conference calls and deadlines, it is really important to have five to ten minutes just to look your host dead in the eyes and scream “I deserve this pain”.

Bathing in blood. Once you’re up and good to go, you need to send a signal to your body to do the same thing. If the blood you’re using is cold and icy enough, it will wake up your nervous system and get you ready to start your day. I personally use pig’s blood, but cow’s blood, horse’s blood, and even dog blood all work. Feel free to be creative with this and even create a mixture to start your day in the red (but in a good way)!

Stay positive! I can’t stress how important it is to maintain constructive thinking and give those niggling insecurities the flick! Ultimately you should just be happy to be you.