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Humble Wrestling Foundation’s Reputation Tarred By Unruly Maniacs For 32nd Year In A Row

Aidan Molins knows what is real.

Scenes of chaos and blood once again overwhelmed what would have otherwise been a respectful sporting event held by Vince McMahon in Arlington Texas last night. McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment, a family owned business, has been plagued by flagrant rule violations from a set of raging disruptors at their annual “Wrestle Mania” event, for over three decades.

“When we started the event, we called it Wrestle Mania because we thought it would drum up a bit of fun and excitement for Wrestling, a respectable sport with an ancient and honorable history” McMahon says. “However, things quickly got out of hand. Even in our first event, we had men jumping off the ropes to intentionally injure one another.” McMahon noted. “This is expressly disallowed under the rules of wrestling.”

To improve safety, McMahon hired in-ring referees, to stop these violations from taking place.

“However, even with these precautions, a grizzly and savage man by the name of Hulk Hogan who signed up to one of the ‘Wrestle Mania’ events moved to deliver a concussive cranial blow to the in ring official, in order to win the match. It was a truly vile and horrific move.”

Hogan and others set a disturbing precedent which has only attracted more maniacs to the sport. Ever since then, despite the best efforts of World Wrestling Entertainment, McMahon and others have been unable to stop matches turning to shocking violence, which has unfortunately involved the use of chairs, tables and other brutish instruments.

“Heck, it must be like, every year or something where we’ve completely lost control of the match and these roughhousers have completely overpowered us. I don’t know how it happens.” McMahon noted, while snapping his suspender straps to his chest at a recent press conference. “I state very clearly before every event to everyone involved that this will be a dignified and respectful night of sport.”

McMahon’s desire to quell the violence has at times taken a personal toll.

“Yeah, I’m always getting in there to try and sort these things out. But it seems like every time I just get choke-slammed or piledrivered or whatever. I don’t understand it. I’m just a simple man that just wants to host a regular old wrestling event. It’s not like I done anything to hurt ‘em, have I?”