Comedy //

HECS-HELP access to be removed for the “horny fucks” on USyd Love Letters

It's time to put an end to premarital HECS.

The Morrison Government has announced plans to bar access to fee support for anyone submitting posts to the “USyd Love Letters Revived” Facebook page.

In a media release, Education Minister Dan Tehan called the Government’s action “essential in the fight against student horniness.”

“With many starting to filter back onto campus, we want to encourage students to continue limiting their social interactions and keep up the studying, regardless of how hot the guy who sits in the back-left corner of your International Business Strategy tutorial.” 

Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence has praised the idea, reminding students of the classic phrase: “If you’re thinking about suckin’ and fuckin’, good grades are what you’ll be duckin’.”

USyd Love Letters admin Crodly McThestitude has expressed his relief at not having to “indulge any more thirsty first-years looking for an exceedingly average partner for their ‘friend’.”

Many have questioned how it will be possible to identify these lovelorn losers, as submissions to the page are done anonymously through a Google Form.

“It’s actually quite simple,” a representative from the University told us over the phone. “Thanks to the disturbingly easy-to-hack ProctorU, we’ll be able to locate -”

The representative was then cut off by what sounded like a spanner to the cranium.  

Additionally, staff at the University have been told to observe their students carefully to catch signs of a potential Love Letter-poster: any prolonged stares, longing glances, lip-biting, whispers amongst friends while pointing to a particularly attractive individual, or flirtatious conversations with palpable chemistry that may occur during classes.

Tehan has promised that those who have lost access to HECS-HELP for posting to the page will have the chance to earn back said fee support should they provide irrefutable proof of their religious celibacy.

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