The time spent in a toilet is an experience that can be shared across class, genders, and politics. Both you and I, the king and potentially Jeff Bezos, all have to spend at least 10 minutes a day in a toilet.
As a student, the toilet is a precious location where I take my study break. Where I relax my bladders after applying for three simple extensions. Where I breathe in the alluring stench of poop and piss to seek inspiration for my next paragraph on the unsustainability of capitalism.
However, the state of campus toilets is a tragedy in and of itself. Despite the importance of these institutions to us, most of them are in a dire state that only provokes fear (looking at you, law library toilet).
I’m sick and tired of just simply accepting what is and not what could be. Last week I embarked on a great journey. I traversed the terrains of USyd, spending four hours in the rain adventuring to a total of 25 different buildings on campus.
There was but one goal in mind — to experience as many toilets as I physically could in four hours in the name of journalism and the public interest.
To rank the notable toilets I found from the worst to the best on campus. I present to you my greatest work:
- Wallace Theatre building toilet:
The face on the man who left when I walked in said it all. This toilet is, I believe, where WWII mustard gas was sourced from. As I walked in, an overpowering punch to my nose by years of urine and faeces immediately hit my nostrils. I believed I was in there for at least five seconds before my lungs decided to combust on itself. This place is a biohazard.
Final remark: Steve Carrell: No god no god please no no no noooo.
- Mechanical and Mechatronic building (1st floor):
Students who used this toilet, one word of warning, I am worried about you guys. I would recommend an immediate subscription to BetterHelp, there was a lot of hate speech on the walls. This place was about as bad as things can get in a campus toilet. The walls have absorbed the years of urine released here and have turned the once pristine white walls into a yellow-ish rice white.
Final remark: Y’all need help… Try to hold it in at least (or do something healthy to escape from your mind like what I am doing with this article).
- Chemistry building (ground floor):
I did not know where to put this on this list…Is this even a toilet? The lid was blown off by years of neglect. .
Final remark: So this is what happens when you squat on the toilet seat?
- Carslaw building (ground floor):
A Pangea of toilet stalls is the best way to describe this place. Its notoriety precedes itself. Imagine walking through a British town after the Blitz. The sheer size of it allows you to find at least one toilet stall that has yet to be graced by the butt of a sweaty third year student questioning every life decision he has ever made.
Final remark: Somebody dropped a bomb here whereas I torpedoed my grades this semester.
- Bio Molecular Building (ground floor):
Now we are starting to get into the area of the list where I almost start praising the toilets. This was one of the very first toilets I went to during the day. I also had to take a dump here after all my morning weetbix were finally digested. This toilet reminded me of a charming English gentleman in his mid-70s. Sometimes the pipe may be exposed, but you forgive him due to his old age. This was a fine one.
Final remark: Back in his day he was a fine fella.
The only word I can use to describe this place is STARK. Bright Pink and dark forest green. You will never forget that you once graced this place. It has an acceptable level of cleanliness considering it is the toilet of a uni bar.
Final remark: Alice in wonderland.
- Manning Bar (second floor):
This toilet made me think about the industrial revolution. The steel tone used throughout the toilet felt decidedly steampunk. Just like Hermann’s, its cleanliness was acceptable considering it hosts some of USyd’s craziest events. I also found out you can buy Panadol here, perfect for a hangover.
Final remark: Steampunk, funk, punk, poop? (someone please help me finish all my essays).
No, that is not my pee, someone just forgot to flush. This toilet reminded me of a hotel lobby toilet. Clearly there was some attention paid to the interior design, it is not brutalist in design like some of the older campus toilets. The marbled floor and the wooden accent used throughout the room adds to the style.
Final remark: The most toilet of the toilets on campus?
- RD Watt building (ground floor):
The fun thing about doing a project like this is that I can go to places I have never been. This was the first time I walked into the RD Watt building and this toilet was a pleasant surprise. Its stone tiling was very aesthetically pleasing for my love for symmetry. It was acceptably clean and well ventilated.
Final remark: Very flushy (ha-ha-ha, like flushy instead of flashy, you get it? No, seriously I have three simple extensions waiting for me to finish).
- The Life, Earth and Environmental Sciences building (bottom floor):
This toilet came highly recommended from my student ambassador colleagues. I had saved up some pee after walking around the engineering side of the campus just to release it here. However upon arrival, it was just a Westfield toilet replica at best. Slightly disappointed, not worth the hype.
Final remark: Fun fact about me, I once took a dump in the Tokyo Sky Tree.
- RC Mills Building:
This used to be my favourite toilet on campus. As a member of the Chinese Australian community, feng shui matters a lot. Chinese Australians love a toilet with a big window that shines on you as you try to seek refuge from your children’s underwhelming performance. Apart from the window, the combination of piss odour and lavender in this toilet was bizarrely soothing.
Final remark: And god said let there be light (can god shine a light on me during this exam season?).
- Social Science building (level 2):
A lot of people’s favourites. The creme de la creme of school toilets. The warm light that embraces you when you walk in is an experience in itself. I once walked from Fisher to here just to take a shit.
Final remark: Ooh la la.
- Seymour centre.
My favourite. I discovered this toilet for this project. I thought I had found myself on the fimset of the next Star Wars movie. The whole room feels like an emperor’s throne. Whoever designed it, take a bow son!
Final remark: Intergalactic shit.
The next time you need to take a massive shit you do not need to go to the mess that is the chemistry building toilet. You can walk about 20 minutes to Seymour centre and enjoy a shit in a spaceship.
Now if you may excuse me, I need to go and stare into the mirror in my toilet and question my life choices and my negligence towards my assessments.