Whistleblowers at Pizza Hut HQ have leaked documents that reveal a hidden clause in the application process for casual staff members. The clause states that in the unlikely event of a large 50-foot Domino’s worker attacking the city, all employees are required to go out into a large field, link together as one and form a similarly sized Pizza Hut equivalent. The purposes of which, it is revealed, to fight for dominance over the heart of Sydney.
Anadene Whistle-Thorpe uncovered these classified papers for Always Balanced Coverage. “I was appalled,” Whistle-Thorpe opined. “Most Pizza Hut workers are well below the minimum age for military service. To secretly enlist those in hospitality, our most vulnerable members of society, is bone chilling.”
Plans outlined throughout explain how the operation would be undertaken. Workers aged between 13 and 17 years old were expected to climb on one another’s shoulders and link arms. Thanks to various preparations such as understaffing, exhaustion, removal of lunch and dinner breaks, staff members were primed to have their willpower and consciousness relinquished so that they may join a collective hivemind. Through this, synchronised movement of the whole could be achieved as one large worker. Excretion of a green goo-like substance, reported to be the limited edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie-in sauce, would be used as a weapon in the ensuing fight.
CEO of Pizza Hut Australia, Phil Reed, declined to comment, but informed us they were all out of breadsticks.