Comedy //

Welfare Overhaul: System to be Replaced with Giant Metal Teats of Scowling Taxpayers

In an attempt to streamline operational practices, the Australian Government has implemented innovative changes to the current welfare system, replacing all Centrelink, Medicare, and Family Assistance Offices with giant metal teats of scowling taxpayers. Architect of the plan, Doctor Martin Frosh ,has said that the plan represents a healthy reframing of the question of welfare…

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In an attempt to streamline operational practices, the Australian Government has implemented innovative changes to the current welfare system, replacing all Centrelink, Medicare, and Family Assistance Offices with giant metal teats of scowling taxpayers.

Architect of the plan, Doctor Martin Frosh ,has said that the plan represents a healthy reframing of the question of welfare in the country.

“According to figures from the Department of Human Services, there are nearly 10,000 taxpayers in NSW alone whose teets are full and supple enough to serve as the inspiration for a terrifying series of iron breasts with which to feed the rotting scum of the nation.”

Every outlet has been fitted with at least two metallic mammary glands and boasts ample space for “grovelling and defeated suckling.”

“This is a simpler way to cater to the diverse needs of those seeking government assistance. Migrants, students and broken families say a lot of things,” stated Frosh at the opening of the first breast, “but hopefully now instead of labouring on with their sob stories they can shut up and drink from the rich and be done with it.”

The teats are made from iron ore from the Pilbara Region, mined only by white Australians. It is rumoured that the teats will eventually replace all government institutions, and, by 2020, must inspire the design of all projects in which the government invests.

“It’s an incredibly elegant solution for a complex problem,” Frosh said on Monday, “But we believe this is the most simple way of meeting the needs of those who are poor and useless but still, regrettably, Australian”.