Comedy //

How Do I Take Care of My Demon Spawn?

Oliver Moore knows soothsayers.

demon-baby

Image via Art Dolls Today

Have you found yourself the new mum of a monster child? Conventional parenting advice just not cutting it with the acid spitting and unruly wings? Here are some top tips from our resident Soothsayer.

Use oven mitts when handling your precious demon. You never know when the cheeky little thing might just burst into flames.

Work on your reflexes. Use a ball to practise ducking and weaving. Before you know it you’ll be dodging that spitting acid just as well as Todd keeps dodging those childcare payments.

Invest in some quality swaddling cloths. These can be enormously helpful for keeping extra limbs, tentacles, and tails contained when you’re out and about. If fireproofing is an issue, use a fire blanket.

Think of ways you can use your demon spawn to your advantage. When your little one leaves all those holes in the space-time continuum lying around the place, remember they are perfect for nipping back to grab the groceries you forgot.

Remember, parenting is an art. Use the incredible colours of those wonderful body fluids to showcase the experience of parenting such a unique creature.