Comedy //

So, What The FUCK Are These?

Thomas Sydney St John is not angry… just like… curious.

Thomas Sydney St John is not angry... just like... curious.

What up readers? Just a quick one for you, anyone down with whatever these things are?

I have been at uni for just over a year now, and not only do I not yet know the precise purpose for and/or motive of these machines – I don’t think I’ve even met a soul yet with the requisite knowledge to fill me in.

Let’s start with what I know. They, in fact, are not the Martian transport pods famously depicted by H.G. Wells in his novella War of the Worlds. So the most common myth has been debunked, and it gets no clearer from here.

The tri-footed Machine Of My Nightmares generally prefers human company, but apparently can co-exist with others of the same species.

They definitely don’t take photos, and I’ve never been close enough to hear the noises they make.

I recently spoke personally with the Dean of Engineering about this slippery barnacle on the hull of University culture.

I was given his room number through a helpful lady at the general Faculty number, which I was put through to from a not-so-helpful gentleman at the general University help line, who I was put on to after having dialled 000 in a jumbled frenzy due to seeing three of these things pointed at each other in a circle with no humans present.

The Dean, upon hearing my question spluttered out, responded with a tepid, “Oh is that my phone ringing? I think that’s my phone ringing…sorry I have to leave the room because my phone is ringing.”

In short, if you could please direct any fan theories or instructional blog links through to that would be much appreciated by all.