Comedy //

OPINION: I Hate The Ocean

These filthy opinions belong to earth-shackled Emma Balfour.

Ocean

I hate the ocean. It is so big and blue and it is disgusting. It has too many fish, and one time I saw it throw up a whole shell! Yuck!

I hate the saliva of the earth so much. Why is it there? When will it stop? If I ever saw Poseidon I would punch him in the face for making the ocean that I hate. The deep terror is the worst part of this planet, and I don’t know why we stand for it!

I used to love Johnny Depp, but when I found out he made multiple movies that had the ocean in them, I vowed never to kiss the pale man’s beautiful face ever again!

Water World gave me nightmares for eight months. I hate the big wet so very much. When I sing the alphabet, I refuse to sing the third letter because of how much I hate the sea.

Who even needs the ocean? Give me a garden pond any day. Or even a man-made reservoir. Now that’s a manageable body of water!

The evil water slosh is the scourge of this planet. I wish there were a sham-wow big enough to soak it all up. It is a bad thing, and I will fight it one day when my muscles are strong enough.