Comedy //

USU Board Candidates Injured After CVs Were Stacked Too High

Jayce Carrano called the medic.

An accident in Sydney University’s Great Hall last week has shed light on the true method by which Union Board members are elected.

Although votes are indeed counted, it has been revealed that candidates are quietly struck off if they do not pass this initial trial.

The contest requires candidates to stand in a circle. Flying around the Great Hall’s ceiling, up to eight metres above the candidates’ heads, are nine winged keys. To be eligible for the board, each nominee must retrieve one of these keys.

To elevate themselves, candidates print off their résumés and lay each page on top of the last.

They then stand on their stack while their campaign manager passes them more pages to place under their feet, to raise themselves higher and higher.

Nominees can usually succeed if their résumé is 120,000 pages long although particularly tall candidates have been triumphant with a mere 110,000.

Sources indicate that the accident occurred when one unidentified candidate, who had managed to balance their vice-presidency of one society, presidency of two others, full time degree and revue participation, foolishly attempted to add the entirety of their internship experience all at once.

This caused their stack to overbalance and set off a domino effect around the circle that left four candidates with bruises, sprains and several fractures. The unaffected nominees were each able to reach a key.

Nominees now have a short break until their second challenge tomorrow evening when they compete to determine who pulls more Facebook likes.