Comedy //

Michael Spence on the top 5 things he’ll miss about Sydney Uni

We'll be sad to see him go.

1. Administration Building (F23)

Move over Quadrangle! Sayonara Manning Bar! There’s a new, beloved campus institution: the iconic Administration Building (F23). I have to admit, I wasn’t sure if the architects I briefed would be able to pull off the brief I gave them —  “non-descript but vaguely threating”. But you’ve got to give it to them, they really captured the way students see me on campus. When I look out from my Panopticon, I mean, uh, office, I really feel proud to be part of revisioning this campus. 

2. The secret tunnel system

It’s incredible to be part of an historic campus, with its secret passageways, ancient buildings and relics from a by-gone era. Some passageways allow you to get anywhere on campus undetected (including the 2018 Repselect room…), others seem to attract clueless busty virgins, and still others are wide enough for you to unhinge your jaw, using your powerful back molars to bite through soft, first year flesh. Really makes you think!

3. The sleep pods in Fisher

In the hundreds of glowing profiles written by uncritical, brain dead, ambitious Fairfax grads over the years, I’ve been constantly asked “What keeps you so young and fuckable?”. Well! A gentleman doesn’t give away his secrets, but all I can say is that it’s definitely not being sucking the dreams through high-tech pods in Fisher library.

4. Putting cockroaches in the UniBros pide

Over my time at USyd I’ve been proud to preside over a number of important changes: the neoliberal restructure of the University, the secret murder of Tim Anderson at a CIA blacksite, and getting more healthy protein in the diets of students. I first tried getting this done by encouraging the Economist to entice students to subscribe to their British propaganda outlet using chips made out of crickets. When that didn’t work, I just started sneaking them into the UniBros pides. After my years at the University, I’m proud to announce I’ve met my goal to get a bug in the mouth of every student. Including you! Yes, I can see you! You!

5. The Anderson Stuart labs

I understand at my time at USyd, some of the actions I’ve taken have been controversial: the casualisation of staff, redundancies and course cutting have not always been popular. But though the University community hasn’t always seen this, the administration has always looked out for our staff. While casuals have worried about their job security during our period of austerity, we’ve been proud to announce a new way they can remain a part of our students’ learning experiments. The Anderson Stuart labs have been used to begin valuable scientific research, using the bodies of our casual staff (I know what you’re thinking, and no there are no workplace rights for casuals), some animals and some good ol’ needles and thread, we’ve been able to put redundant staff to good use. You’re welcome!

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