Christian not really happy enough for someone who thinks they’ll spend eternity in paradise

This man believes he will spend perpetuity in the Kingdom of Heaven but he still won’t smile.

Edward Thompson, a devout Christian, spent four hours yesterday evening angrily posting in a Facebook group called “Marrickville ranting/complaints” about dogs running around his local park without leashes.

Samantha Jones, Edward’s neighbour and Facebook friend, said this was not unusual behaviour.

“Oh, he’s always complaining. Just last week he posted a five hundred word rant about a house on our street that was having a party,” Samantha said. “I don’t really get it. He’s around sixty, he only has to wait like what, twenty years to cark it? Then, he thinks he’ll be in heaven for literally eternity. Don’t know why he lets little things like this bother him.”

John Thompson, Edward’s brother, does not share Edward’s beliefs and instead assumes that when he dies his consciousness and memories will be obliterated instantaneously and any semblance of his personal experience will cease forever into unending darkness.

“When I’m done, I’m done,” John said. “So I think it makes sense for me to get mad when someone cuts me off in traffic because my time’s always running out. And yet it’s Ed that’s always yelling about road warriors and traffic.”

John believes Edward could learn a lot from other religious believers.

“I think that Dalai Lama guy has a better grip. I mean, his people are being oppressed as we speak and he could come back to life as an insect rather than living as a divine spirit in heaven but the bloke’s still laughing all the time. Meanwhile Edward gets stroppy when Pip [Edward’s wife] doesn’t get full cream milk. And don’t even get me started on why he cares so much about whether or not gay people get married.”