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Comedy //

Fisher Library leased to Crown Casino

Students will each be given $20 in gambling credit as compensation for any loss in services.

Artist's impression: Claire Ollivain

Vice-Chancellor Stephen Garton has announced that Fisher Library will be leased to Crown Resorts for an undisclosed sum over a 99 year period. 

Garton said the partnership represents the “perfect marriage of two profit-hungry organisations who have long since lost their moral compass,” adding that “we have a long history of accepting rapacious and unconscionable donors. Crown fittingly continues the tradition of Wentworth and Raytheon.”

From March 1, all desktop computers in Fisher Library will be converted to brickie’s laptops. 

Questioned on the decision’s impact on students, Garton revealed further changes: “all re-enrolling students will have $20 complimentary gambling credit loaded onto their students cards…..MMMMOORRRRE CHILLIIIII [laughs] [finger guns].”

Crown has also acquired former Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence’s sex dungeon/torture chamber as part of the deal.

The library’s collections will be transported to Crown Resorts’ industrial scale document shredder. 

All library staff will be sacked, and invited to reapply for their positions at the Roulette table.

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