Comedy //

Wentworth Building renamed Middleton Building

Touching down in Sydney following a Royal Tour described as "insensitive", the Wentworth Building will be renamed after the Duchess herself.

Middleton has made her impact in Sydney: long live the Duchess.

A month on from the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s trip to Jamaica, appetite for Republicanism has reached a fever pitch, with placards and calling for the royal family to abscond from its gilded palaces. 

The couple’s altruistic actions towards the people has inspired plenty of USyd students. Student Leader Cornelia Nut-Butter says, ”Middleton, what a figure! Following her, I went to the Torres Straits to spend time with Indigenous children. They gave me an ethnic beaded necklace to wear and smiled for a selfie.” 

“That’s why I’m out here today cheering for Her Royal Highness,” Nut-Butter swooned. 

It is also confirmed that Nut-Butter also has Asian Mom tendencies now since the trip. She wants to feed USyd’s hungry students by reviving the Foodhub, because Her Royal Highness have, allegedly, been a “real inspiration” to struggling students. 

Strolling down the steps of the Michael Spence Building, HRH Kate Middleton  is seeking to assuage the press’ bemused reception. This stems from the fact that she may have indulged in insensitive photo opportunities and encouraged others, like Nut-Butter, to do the same. 

“Look, everyone was happy, smiling and cheerful. They were very glad to be photographed next to me,” Middleton quipped, pointing to the Royal Photographer stationed nearby. 

“The families and the community were quite happy, actually. Suggestions otherwise are merely attempts to paint a false picture of my trip. However, we are very firm that colonialism was an abhorrent and shameful episode in our nation’s history.”

“What decolonising means is handing out food packs to the community, it means giving a platform for the community and more consultations with the Jamaican community,” says Middleton, beaming from ear to ear, holding a food box in her arms. 

The ACAR Times can also reveal that during the tour, the Queen was working overtime to place a gag over the press‘ coverage of burgeoning criticism of the Duchess, much like the way she receives advance notice of controversial laws affecting her vast, vast wealth.  Once the press conference was over, Wentworth was renamed, in a fulfilment of many Board Directors’ commitments. Though The ACAR Times is unsure if decolonisation was truly realised.