Misc //

Battery Operated Orgasms! (Cuddles Not Included)

Ellie Rogers takes you on a safari of sex toys.

The first time I entered a sex shop I had just been turned away attempting to re-enter a gay bar on Oxford Street with a fake ID. I couldn’t get through to my friend inside the bar, and was suddenly aware of the night going in a much worse direction than anticipated. In the height of my panic, a figure bathed in a neon blue glow descended from the stairs across from me. Beckoning my drunken, worried and underage self in, this aging lesbian sheltered me for the next few hours.

Perhaps it is because of this gratitude and sense of safety I felt that I enjoy thrusting pulsing pastel dildos into my vag. Either way, I have an extensive collection and a number of recommendations.

The Beginner: California Exotic iTap

I consulted a close personal friend and long-time crush after a totally-not-date to a sex store where I picked out a mid-range vibrator for her. The official review for this one is “same orgasm for less effort… I just felt lazy”. After reminding her this is supposed to be the appeal, she suggests thinking of it as “a quickie rather than a night in”. As far as practicality goes be sure to pick something with a rubber or silicone lining if you’re sensitive. I’d recommend a nice simple vibrator rather than a massager or dildo because I am a ruthless economist and this is the second best two-for-one deal I will ever get (the first is any threesome from tinder). My own first sex toy was a four inch bright pink joke gift from a friend accompanied with the line ‘its probably the biggest thing you’ve had in there’. Which, to be fair, was completely true. This slightly-larger-than-a-tampon friend has seen me through five relationships (the two are not at all related).

The Intermediate: Fun Factory Dolly Dolphin

So you’ve played around a bit and think you’re ready to step it up a notch. Aside from adding to the collection with similar but slightly adjusted features—my collection, for example, all bear the names of figures in Greek mythology—you might want to start experimenting with other areas or sensations. Because I am such a big fan of vibrations on my clit and not a big fan of anal penetration, I chose the former. So I would personally recommend my most recent purchase: the dolphin. Aside from being thicker and stronger than your regular dildo, it is also a dolphin. The relaxed smile fixed on her face suggests a deep mutual contentedness that could put anyone at ease.

The Seasoned Pro: Hitachi Magic Wand

By this point you, like myself, should have literally burnt off all nerve endings in the general area of your clit. No one including yourself is capable of pleasuring you anymore and occasionally you have to actually look down to ensure your partner is still present when receiving head.

Short of attaching silicone to a power tool of your choosing, the only remaining recommendation is the Hitachi. A popular rec with those in the know and once mistaken for a microphone on popular reality TV show Honey Boo Boo, this baby will set you back roughly a million dollars, and in the interest of honest journalism I should admit I don’t own one (donate to my PayPal).

Pro Tips:

  • Entering a sex store:
    • Make sure you’re smiling in an ironic way so that the shop assistant who is totally not used to this now and thinks you’re totally weird knows that you’re being satirical the whole time.
    • Some shop assistants actually want to be helpful. One insisted on using a couple of vibrators on the tip of my nose to test them out. This has since been backed up by some sly googling but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t weird.
    • If you’re hoping to ask for advice from the shop assistants try to find one with a good understanding of English—though if one day I’m playing charades and get ‘two-way strap on where one is anchored in my partner’s vag and there are no straps’, I am ready.

Fave Picks

  • That one near Chinatown
    • Don’t tell the shop assistant I sent you I have literally taken so many dates there because my banter is well prepared. Go for the midrange dildos, stay for the inexplicable room of erotic literature and films—a real piece of history.
  • That one near Newtown train station
    • I literally saw a biodegradable dildo for sale. There is nothing Newtown can’t do
  • Max Black
    • A staple for kinky white middle-aged homos. If you have $200 but no gimp mask and feel like these resources could be arranged better, their leather room is the place for you. Quite honestly I’m just putting this here because a cute girl works there who goes to USyd who I talked to once and I’m hoping this reaches her. Come revive my nerve-less clit, you cutie.