Misc //

How to eat at Abercrombie Terrace

Victoria Zerbst loves a good business luncheon

FOOD

Abercrombie Terrace, the USU’s latest campus food outlet, is situated in the new state-of-the-art Business School.

Like any interaction with Corporate Australia, eating at this venue requires an acknowledgement of, and adherence to, appropriate etiquette and cultural expectations. I have outlined them as follows.

1.0 – Shuffle through the door and marvel at the open space and innovative architecture. A large winding staircase. Wow. You are on time for your business luncheon so you may enter the market.

1.1 – It is customary to scowl at the lonely diner who has claimed a monopoly on the big tables. That is inefficient.

1.2 – Allow your blood pressure to rise.

1.3 – Now walk to the counter and plan your assets. Try not to absorb the tangible anxiety emanating off the staff members when the eggplant stocks plummet. There is one stuffed eggplant left. It is only nine dollars. That is a very good deal.

2.0 – You demand. And they supply. That’s how cafés work. Also, economies.

2.1 – When your associates sit down it is common to notice your interest rates in the meal across from you rising. Begin looking into your swap options for all your mates’ meals.

2.2 – If you have a comparative advantage in nicoise salad, offer to merge your meal with the chorizo option to your left. This merger is a success.

3.0 – Spicy food is too flavourful for you so you can refinance the Tabasco sauce on your table, and ask for a loan on the café latte that hasn’t arrived.

3.1 – Go fetch your cutlery. Two businessmen walk into you at different times. They don’t see you. They are too busy. They also have much nicer shoes than you so your aggression rises again. (See 1.2)

3.2 – When your digestive system begins its insider trading, it is time to leave and go back to your portfolio. That is what it means to be in the workforce.

4.0 – You leave with a heavy stomach, heavy heart, and a surprisingly heavy wallet.

4.1 – Abercrombie Terrace: excellent food, sleek interiors and low prices. But at what cost?