Whorescopes: Week Nine
Cup-a-Soup with some Halal Snack Pack after a 2 am booty call? ‘Tis the season for it. We’re in Taurus season and sorry you agitated Oxes, you gotta up your game now.
Art by Ely Yu
Aries: Supermarket aisles are your time to calm down after an intense rooting. Walk down with some sex flashbacks, them spanking you at the randomest moments and massaging your back after. Get some Tim Tams and greasy chicken to calm your post sex hunger.
Taurus: Have you updated your sex toys game? Gift yourself with the veiniest dildo and play with all the settings, your G-spots will thank you.
Gemini: Play it out!! Your long distance lover wants to listen to audios of you moaning, so go record some sultry audios for them and send it across. Mutual orgasms in the middle of the day? Hell fucking yeah.
Cancer: Like Brittany said, your tongue will be tied in knots. You will be spoiled on dates and eaten out like you’ve never experienced before.
Leo: Hot sake in the courtyard with coy eye contacts and fingers touching slowly will lead to some I-have-never-felt-this-before makeout session on the bus.
Virgo: Garden of Eden? You should be in the Garden of Rest. Eat some burnt popcorn with chamomile tea to give your genitals some rest. Your bedroom’s warmth will remind you what you deserve, the most toe-curling orgasms ever.
Libra: Get on your knees and be confident of your oral sex potential! You don’t know where your tongue can reach unless you explore the cavities of your mouth.
Scorpio: An antipasto platter for breakfast, eggs benedict for dinner, and champagne bottles for lunch? What is discipline when you’re amidst a sex marathon! You won’t get a breather from your hands on each other, so enjoy the little snack breaks in between.
Sagittarius: Stop being so silent when not enjoying yourself. If they’re giving you a weak pound, tell them how you feel because that body is the most expensive temple and must be painted with the hues of passion.
Capricorn: Watch things slipping away, Capricorn. Not talking about your dick but the opportunity for a steamy threesome with that person at the bar who asked you and your other half for a relaxing spa session.
Aquarius: Don your sexiest little black dress and wink back at that hottie. You’re a sexy little motherfucker with your tits up, and I am looking at them.
Pisces: Wattpad fanfiction from 2013 where you’re fantasising about Zayn Malik tucking your hair? Read it again and use all those moves in real life (not the cringe texting please).